This Life Is…. Just Gonna Life Sometimes.

 

Tuesday 10/24

This Life is…. just gonna life sometimes. 

Alternate title, “That time my dogs yeeted me, naked, down the side of a mountain in the dark of night.”

When I was a kid, I had this book called, Alexander and the No Good, Very Bad, Horrible Day.  I loved that book. It was about a kid who just had one of those days where everything went wrong in, what I thought at the time, was a hyperbolic fashion.  Then I became an adult.   and... no hyperbole for m i l e s. 

Today was one of those days so absurd, I just need to put it out into the universe, make sure she knows she’s made her point and ask you to laugh with me because, this shit’s, quite frankly, ridiculous. 

I overslept.  We’ll start there.  I shoved some frozen french toast sticks in my child’s mouth, piled (only half of) what she needed for school in her arms, and skidded up to the bus stop as the bus was pulling up.  Hunter headed out to the airport and I launched into my workday, which was so packed, before I knew it, it was time to pick Emerson up.  We had planned to run some halloween errands after school, as I’m trying like hell to Festive myself into a good headspace.  (The Universe loves Festive!)

It’s pretty rare that this happens, but today, as she would say, vibes were off.  An angsty, morose teen, lugged herself into the car and off we went, Walmart bound.  Because nothing improves someone’s mood like a trip to Walmart, amiright?! (The Universe cocks her head and raises an eyebrow)

After having sorted through the dregs of what was left of the halloween decor and a trip through the carwash, which semi-angsty teen didn’t see the point of, we headed home.  Emerson, dumped her gear on the kitchen counter, hurled herself on to the couch with her computer and left the planet. I insisted that we half heartedly toss up the last of the decorations and finally, with a failure to rally, I decided maybe we needed a reset. (The Universe smirked)

I’ve had a difficult time managing stress lately so I’ve been trying to laser focus on my tools; Sleep, water, movement, meditation, gratitude. I’m trying to, at a minimum, move my body in a way that feels good, and ideally, launches a few endorphins into my system each day. So, after spending 30-40 minutes preparing to hop on the peloton ride (procrastinating) I had planned, I got on the bike.  Clipped in, I started the ride and realized I’d forgotten my water.  “It’s fine”, I told myself, “You can just drink it when you finish, just get it done.”  15 minutes in, I was the zone and killing this ride… when the internet blinked and the ride crashed.  I screamed.  I waited.  The system rebooted.  I persevered, dammit. Aaannd... the ride crashed again. This time, I sat there in silence.  Finally, I said to myself “you know what, this is one of those days where you just need to take the hint and know when to call it. Go take a hot shower and try again tomorrow.” (the Universe giggled)

About that shower…. not so much. See, you’d need water for that and for the second time in a week, a water main was broken and were are suddenly high and dry. (Well, just dry I guess. We’re over here getting through all of this on nothing but caffeine and glitchy endorphins) SO. Soaked in sweat with no water I threw on a bathrobe to get out of my gym clothes until I could take a shower.  (The universe ironically cleared her throat) The night progressed as such until it was finally time to just put this crew to bed and call it AND, glory be, the water returned at the same time.  So with visions of a hot shower and a quiet, early night to bed I decided to go ahead and put the dogs to bed so I just, quite simply, shower and be done.  (The universe inched closer to make sure she had a good view)

I took August, our golden retriever, out on a very short walk along to the empty wooded scree hill beside our house that drops off down the side of the mountain (to avoid the neighbors.. I’ll refer you to the bathrobe section above) and Emerson took Japhy, our great dane, out in the back yard down below. Japhy saw me August and I up above and bolted. He took off at a sprint with all the momentum of a freight train.  All I could see was a dark wall hurling itself at us, knowing there’s simply no stopping him. He clotheslined all 140 lbs of his giant body into August’s leash and literally slingshot me down the side of the ever-loving mountain.  In the dark.  In my bathrobe. Screeching obscenities. Dogs? Completely tangled. Me? Literally rolling. My attire? Regrettable. The Universe? Guffawed. 

When I finally stopped, I remember laying there thinking, I’m not sure if the stars actually stars or, you know stars. 

Emerson, god bless her, rallied.  She came up, grabbed the dogs, helped me inside and then went out again searching for my phone, which flew out of my hands and is who knows where and in what condition, while I inspected the damage.  Oh the damage…it could definitely be worse but is going to require some solid first aid and is not cute. Em put the dogs to bed, put herself to bed, and I finally get that damn shower but it was primarily to wash the woodland scree out of my bleeding leg.  

So, ladies and gentlemen, today was one for the books and boy will I look back and laugh at this  for years to come. I learned a valuable lesson about inside clothes and outside clothes and have been sufficiently humbled.  Aaand, as I type this, I can hear the cat vomiting somewhere near by, so I’m going to go deal with that and then end this day.  I can only imagine that tomorrow will have to be utterly amazing in comparison. (The Universe winks)

What a ride. 

This Life Is A Series of Silver Linings Strung Together Like Prayer Beads

10/12/23

This Life is a series of optional silver linings strung together like prayer beads. 

We meet again, once again in darkness, this time chasing the moon.  It’s 5 am on the east coast and I’m headed home to the Utah’s first snow, an 8th grade cello concert, and hopefully a significant stretch of sleep. 

I spent the week working my way through a conference with my new company in my old world. I’ve never mixed worlds well.  Compartmentalization is an under-rated art form, in my questionably humble opinion and when pushed, I don’t so much compartmentalize as… amputate.  

Spending the week as ‘This Julie’ surrounded by 20 years of contacts who only know ‘That Julie’ creates a good amount of holistic dissonance.  The dissociated panic attacks, “Hmm. How strange that I’m sitting here on the couch reading this lovely book, drinking this herbal tea, and am unable to breathe. Fascinating.” started about 2 weeks ago, though the gnawing anxiety began nibbling long before the flights were booked. 

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking and talking about coping skills lately, recognizing them when they appear, understanding why they appear, which one corresponds with which type of situation, and determining if they are helpful or perhaps a bit rogue.  I’ve identified things like anger, exhaustion, dissociation, fawning, and flying and practicing when to use the gas and when to use the brake. One I had not yet identified is gratitude. 

I have decided that gratitude is a super power. I found myself standing in the lobby, having just run into a former co-worker and receiving a reception about as comfortable as a blanket of dry ice and being completely submerged in gratitude.  It was not the “thank God, that’s out of the way.” kind of gratitude but genuine moments of reflection on the life “This Julie” is living. It’s amazing looking back, how often I’ve confused a brick for a life preserver and clung to that weight all the way to the bottom of the ocean floor, still oblivious that I’ve wrapped myself around a brick. Learning the difference between those two things is perhaps one of the things I’m most grateful for. That’s not to say I’m brick-free… but at least I’m able to call a brick a brick, ya know? 

Last bizarre little thought. Weirdly, last night at dinner, a colleague was talking about Sodom and Gomorra (I think he had the story confused with Noah, he was mostly focused on the salacious aspects, but that’s really neither here nor there).  I thought the timing was pretty serendipitous. Turns out, with the right tools, we might be able to look back and not be trapped in frozen salinic hell for eternity and instead stand in power, turn and take that sacred pause and assess the situation for what it is and know that there is life beyond the collapse. 

This Life is Lonely Magic.

 

This fleeting, glorious, gutting, blissful, visceral life is lonely magic. 

I’ve been traveling more lately for work, like I used to, which means spending much more time inside my head.  It’s a very different place than it was the last time we met like this. I think weeks like this one are when I used to write, when I was traipsing all of the country just fostering an the voices in my head.  All that is to say, for the past year, I’ve wanted to start writing again but, candidly, I haven’t felt like I’ve had anything to say.  The world seems too overwhelming to condense to words on a page most of the time.  Alas, here we are 30,000 feet in the air, bathed in moonlight, drowned in white noise – you, me and a rusty inner monologue.

I’m on this plane, and I’m thinking about the week that I’ve had. It’s only Thursday by the way – at least according to the last time zone I was in.  I’m chasing what’s left of today backwards across the states).  In the past 7 days, I have been to Chicago, home, southern Utah, home, Dallas and San Antonio.  I’ve had to really do some deep soul searching about my career and how I want to show up each day.  I surprised myself.  I’ve had some incredible conversations with Emerson about life and the future.  I’ve giggled until I’ve wept.  I’ve fallen madly in love with Hunter after having been away for too long. I’ve searched that same aforementioned enigmatic soul for how I want to show up for my personal priorities, which it turns out, are sometimes not directly correlated to the things that bring me the most obvious joy and gratification. (Rude.) I’ve made a new friend.  I’ve had a political discussion with someone I don’t know very well and with whom I don’t agree (and it was delightful). I have borne witness to a grief and loss so vast it far surpasses anything the human experience could contain or comprehend.  I’ve watched people (so many people) move through their lives as they travel across the country often helping each other… sometimes hurting each other… and I’m just astounded at this life we’re living.  Life is singular here, because god knows we are so very intertwined and entangled with this one shared experience.

I’m thinking about all of this witness I’ve been bearing and what I’m seeing and I think I’ve landed on my reason for writing.  We’re lonely.  We’re sprinting through life and we’re not making eye contact and we’ve cancelled our voices along with the rest of the noise. We’re all just desperately needing to get somewhere that is not here. 

There was this woman on the plane tonight.  She was foreign, so beautiful and so chaotic.  As we were boarding, she had a baby and a toddler and her mother traveling with her.  Somehow, she didn’t have a seat so she kept just posting up in random seats waiting to see what was going to turn up empty. With her arms full of toddler, she started just passing her bags around to strangers boarding the plane and asking them to stow them away for her.  Bag, after bag she shoved in people’s faces and smiled and damn, if they didn’t all smile back, take the bags and make sure they were safely put away.  Then she up and shoved the toddler in some random middle age man’s arms while she searched for her boarding pass.  Can I tell you, THE MAN WAS THRILLED (the toddler less so)!  One minute, he's holding a briefcase, the next minute a sticky, drippy 18 month old.  Ultimately, she was in 6 different people’s seats before she finally settled.  Pure. Boarding. Chaos. and NO ONE GOT ANGRY.  Eventually, we banded together, moved around, and figured it out so she could sit with her family.  What was striking about this, was how completely relaxed she was as she created a cyclone of necessary kindness.  There was no profuse apologizing or shrinking.  She took up space and assumed people would want to help, hit them with a staggering smile and low and behold, we all got in line.

I think we’re lonely.  I think we’re all just waiting from someone to shove something precious into our arms without asking, meet us with a smile and assume the very best from us. Thanks for keeping me company. We'll catch up again next time it's wheels up.